2011 - Our FIRST Year as a Family of 4+1

This has been the year of firsts more than any other in our life together. It's been a year of hopes fulfilled, stretching, utter joy, wild re-imagining, and expectancy. 2011 was a year to remember and impossible to forget!

Winter [January-March]: Our year began boarding a plane on January 7, Ethiopia's Christmas, to bring home Judah and Addise. Dreams fulfilled. Promises realized. Joy complete. Our first international trip as a family of four. We were finally a family.

I experienced my first [and apparently not last!] maternity leave through the generosity of our church. We were so radically blessed with meals, groceries, errands, and presence in those 10 weeks. Maternity leave was such a gift to begin the attachment process with J&A. Maternity leave also confirmed my divine calling to ministry and deepened my love for our people at Newsong Church.

Only a few weeks into parenthood Brian's birthday all but slipped by as we barely acknowledged his 32nd birthday amidst poopy diapers, hour-long meals, night terrors and exhaustion. Sorry, baby.

We experienced lots of firsts for Addise: her first birthday, tooth which has multiplied into 14 teeth to date, first steps turned into frantic running, one word has since become a non-stop babble, the first tantrum which has shown us her strong personality that she's not afraid to display.

Though the big brother, we also experienced lots and lots of Judah's firsts: his first English words in those early days which began a snowball of learning, his first mouthful of teeth after coming home with only a dozen, his first birthday with us, his first night of sleep without terror, his first spoken prayer, his first chosen kisses and snuggles, his first haircut at home.

In the moment of all those firsts we celebrated our kids' growth and process, and silently grieved the other "firsts" we had missed in their lives. Yet, we are radically grateful that we love J&A because he first loved us.

Our kids' first meeting of our extended family as my mom, dad, brother, and Granny came in those early days to help our desperate little family and meet the newest Diaz's. I could not have been more grateful.

I experienced my first trip away from our kids as I traveled to Dallas for a 30 hour speaking gig. It re-instilled my love for students and the mission God's set me on, yet re-imagined it as mother.

Spring [April-June]: There was our first family photo shoot in April at my sacred Montage Beach. For a while every time we hopped in the car Judah said, "mommy, ocean?"

Our first family vacation at my family's gorgeous condo on Florida's beach.

Spring also marked a role change at Newsong and I wondered why the heck God would increase my responsibility in the midst of my greatest life change. Utter dependence. I'm finding it's the only way to live.

I went momentarily crazy and took both kids back to the Midwest for several days - ALONE!!! - to celebrate my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary and introduce them to the newest grandkids. Whole crying at DFW with 2 toddlers-in-tow and searching for Judah's missing shoe, I wondered if I'd lost my mind only 6 months into parenting.

Summer [July-August]: Brian got his first trip away from the madness. He got to experience ComiCon with friends as I experienced shock-and-awe of 3 days alone with our kids.

August 5th Brian and I celebrated our 10th anniversary with a 24-hour getaway, courtesy of my mom. We had 4 meals in exclusive adult conversation and were allowed to simply reconnect as friends, partners, and lovers, not just as co-parents. And I celebrated my 32nd birthday.

Summer and Fall I've found myself in quite challenging leadership circumstances, navigating change and transition at a pace only the Spirit can keep up with. There are many firsts for me in these deep waters, including a leadership loneliness that demands intimacy with Jesus and my husband above all else.

Fall [September-November]: In spite of the attachment issues, hundreds of dollars on diapers, and sleep deprived months, this month held our most surprising first this year: a positive pregnancy test. Having never seen a positive home pregnancy test, this news sent us into speechless terror and the beginnings of celebration at another new life.

Our first Thanksgiving as a family, including our kids' first taste of turkey. They were not impressed. I also purchased my first pair of maternity pants.

Advent and Beyond: Now, this is our first Christmas together a family of 4+1. Advent looks a bit different as we expectantly await "God with us". Presents and decorations carried a different tenor as we anticipated chubby black hands tearing wrapping paper. Traveling back to see our families have been especially more meaningful, especially as Brian's side of the family met J&A. Introducing Judah to the wonder of Santa Claus ["ho ho ho!"] and telling him the real Christmas story beckons for my childlike wonder. Putting on snowsuits so little Ethiopians can play in a few inches of snow was a Christmas highlight. Holding my belly and imagining what next Christmas will look like. Celebrating 11 years ago when the man of my dreams proposed to me this month. Expectant of God how will meet all our felt and unspoken needs in our growing family. These are the ways we are holding the Christ-child this year. We are grateful for the God who knows, has come close, and is with us in the midst of everything.

Merriest of Christmases and Happiest of New Year from our Family of 4+1. 

Expecting the Unexpected

There were a lot of things that we expected when we brought home Judah and Addise 11 months ago. Getting pregnant was not one of those things. SURPRISE - WE ARE PREGNANT! We are expecting a baby and it's completely unexpected! We are currently at 12 weeks.

Ok. Pick your jaw up off the floor. Grab a Kleenex box. Catch your breath. And shout out a couple desperate prayers for us. Then, read on [if you dare] for the saga that has been our Fall.

If you've been reading our story for long, you know that adopting Judah and Addise was our family's PLAN A. God planted that dream in our hearts long ago. However, we expected to have biological children before adopting. Making a deeply long and painful story short, after three years of trying to get pregnant - including over a year of extensive and intensive infertility treatment - we decided to start the adoption process. You can read much of our story on our blog [TIP: search "pain" for many of those posts].

Since becoming Judah and Addise's parents, we have been BLISSFULLY HAPPY. Complete. Whole. The old dream of having biological children had all but disappeared. Most days it feels like I birthed J & A because I so fully know I'm their momma. And then I remember they're black and I'm not. :)

Then, in mid-September I had a DREAM. I don't often dream and remember. But this felt like a dream from God. It was simple: I dreamed I was pregnant and it culminated in a baby. I woke up terrified. I didn't tell Brian because it freaked me out. A couple weeks later we were out on a date and I casually said, "Hey, just so ya know, I had a dream that we were pregnant. And it felt like a God-dream. It's probably nothing, but just in case something happens, I want you to know." What followed was a very brief and freaked out conversation.

As it turned out, I was barely pregnant when I had that dream.

A couple weeks later, I started wondering if something was going on with my body. Too many ODD THINGS HAPPENING IN MY BODY. So, I took a home pregnancy test and it turned positive right away [October 13th]. I immediately called Brian to the bathroom. We stared at the test together and had no words. I had never received a positive pregnancy test before. Scores of negative tests, but never a positive. We freaked out. Brian laughed nervously. Shortly after we took another test. It was like that second line couldn't appear fast enough. I felt light-headed. There are not appropriate words in the English language to describe my emotions that night or in the days that followed.

Needless to say, it's been an EMOTIONAL 6 WEEKS since we first took that pregnancy test and first heard our baby's heartbeat [October 17]. Honestly, I've been grieving and surrendering and embracing our new reality WAY MORE than simply celebrating. It's been messy. I will blog more about this soon, so please hold your judgment until I can explain this unlikely reaction. I will say that after seeing our baby at our most recent appointment, there was much delight and joy from Brian and me. I'm starting to get excited about Judah and Addise's baby brother/sister. And I'm starting to embrace my bulging body. :)

One of the reasons I've been wrestling is because of the "PREGNANCY-AFTER-ADOPTION MYTH". We've expected to hear "we knew you'd get pregnant after you brought those babies home". The truth is that less than 10% of couples who struggle with infertility then adopt EVER get pregnant [many stats place odds around 3-8% and the stats don't budge based on adoption or not]. Ultimately, I feel very sensitive for couples currently experiencing infertility AND protective over J & A never feeling 2nd choice. I will say this until I die: I'm profoundly grateful God chose this path for us because of the immeasurable blessings of Judah and Addise in our lives.

God-willing, Baby Diaz #3 will enter the world around June 10. What happens when you receive unexpected news? Chances are, it reveals something much deeper in your soul. I look forward to sharing honestly and vulnerably what's emerged from my soul as a result of this pregnancy.

Until then, thanks for joining us in celebrating our new life!

PS. In my next couple posts, I'll do my best to respond to whatever questions you post here.  :)

Court Anniversary

This week is so ridiculously full of meaning, I fear I'm not capable of capturing all it means to us and all it means in the heavens. So, I bought a $3.99 bouquet of fall flowers .

This past Sunday was November 6th, one year since we first held and kissed Judah and Addise on our first trip to Ethiopia. [Read about that day HERE] This past Sunday we also dedicated J&A to God at our church...on Orphan Sunday. A separate blog post is coming on this momentous, epic day.

Here's a sneak peak of Judah's dedication...

If you wanna take a walk down memory lane with me, check out our Meetchya Day video...

This whole week I've found myself drifting back to those days in Ethiopia: The rich, historic Ethiopian culture. The sounds of Amharic rolling off tongues, animals passing on the street, and cars honking at everything. Our guest house. The American friends we met who were also adopting and our new Ethiopians friends, whom we fell in love with.

Of course, my heart mostly remembers those precious hours at Tikuret Orphanage where we began bonding with 9 month old Tarike and 28 month old Abebayehu. I remember how stoic and somber Addise Aster Tarike was, and how she was totally unsure of Brian. However, she always fell asleep in his arms. I remember that sweet pink polka-dot sweatsuit she wore and how she loved kissing my lips [that 30 second video is HERE]. I remember being amazed with how chunky and strong this "little orphan" was.

And I remember how shut down Judah Abebayehu was. Brian and I commented and cried over what a locked up little guy he was. His big eyes searching for understanding and meaning. His body small and recovering from malnutrition. I remember a few times when his eyes lit up and he bravely showed us his bright white Chiclets teeth [here is proof in a quick 40 second video]. I remember how our 2 year old calmly sat on our laps, barely moving. We both remember praying so much for his healing and health. Even writing these words on my couch with my ever-so-talkative son sitting next to me, giggling while watching Dumbo, I'm tearfully in awe at the healing God's done in his little soul these past 12 months. Judah is a different little boy. Praise God!

Today, November 10th was the best and worst day of my life [Read about that day HERE]. Today is the day we went to court to testify before an Ethiopian judge our promise to love Tarike and Abebayehu forever. After our court appearance, Brian and I were gifted with some unexpected time with their birth mothers. Still, one year later, words barely form as I reflect upon these women, our mutual love for the same little boy and girl, and the impossible choice they made to give up their children because they could not care them. It is a mother's love beyond human capacity. Today, I think about their birth mothers and wonder if they are still alive and healthy. I'm aware that as I've held and loved and raised J&A, they've probably thought about them millions of times. And wondered if their offspring are well loved and care for. I pray God would speak to them and assure them.

Only hours after our court date, we kissed them goodbye as we left for the Addis Ababa airport without confirmation that we passed court. I sobbed leaving the orphanage. I got physically sick as our plane took-off out of Ethiopia. It was an entirely good, yet completely unnatural day.

Tomorrow, November 11th Brian and I were spending a few reflective and carefree days in Frankfurt, Germany. We received an email that we were dying to read: "THEY ARE YOURS." In the eyes of Ethiopia, we were Judah and Addise's legal parents.

A year later, we cannot believe all God has done and is doing in our family. It's beyond our expectations and imagination. I never imagined how many poopy diapers I'd changed (including one that's smelling out to me at this moment]. I never imagine how much they'd make me laugh and show me a mirror into my own character and soul. I never imagined how many kisses I'd give, or hair product I'd use, or cheese sticks they'd eat. I never imagined how angry they'd make me.

Yet, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'd love them as my own, that they'd forever change me, that I'd be grateful for our devastating infertility that lead us directly to these specific children. Forever we are grateful. Tonight, I'll tuck them in a little tighter, kiss them a few more times, and whisper a few more prayers to God for them. Thank you, Jesus, for the miracle of adoption.

Today. Home. Forever.