My Guest Post - Moving Beyond Survival

Whoever says that friends cannot be made online is just wrong.

Bex Mann is my friend. And we have never met face-to-face.

Bex and I started connecting online in 2009 when our adoption journeys coincided. Over the past nearly 4 years Bex has been deeply connected to every stage in our adoption and parenting story, as I have been with hers. The similarities in the ways our motherhood evolved are eery - from infertility to adoption to getting pregnant within weeks of each other. It's a connection and story that only God could write. Bex has become a fast-friend as we've prayed for each other, wept over each other's common pain, celebrated with "only God" moments, and "liked" nearly every picture each other has posted on Instagram. I'm deeply grateful for her. She's way hipper, skinnier, and younger than I am and I covet her hair. But we both have nose rings so that evens the playing field.

When Bex asked if I'd write a guest post on her blog, I quickly said "yes" then wrote a raw post late one evening while Asher slept beside me. I love her blog. Please check it out. The original post can be read HERE (including a too-kind introduction to me), but my post is below.

Moving Beyond Survival

For years we l.o.n.g.e.d to have a family. We tried the easy way, the hard way, the prayerful way, the natural way, the medical way…every way we knew how. When we reached our limit trying to have biological babies, we moved toward a dream God had put in our hearts years earlier – international adoption. Soon into our adoption process, I bumped in Bex in blog-land. A fast, mutual, and affectionate online friendship began. Though I’ve never met her in real life, we’ve prayed each other through years of crazy infertility, adoption, and pregnancy adventures.

After nearly 4 years from beginning to end, we brought home Judah and Addise (add-i-say) from Ethiopia. Just months later, the Mann’s brought home breathtaking Mercy. Judah was 2 ½ years old; Addise was just 11 months. Then, miraculously, 9 months later we were pregnant. Go back and read that again. PREGNANT. (Coincidentally, Bex got pregnant about a month before I did!) WITH CHILD. Then, our little bio boy decided he needed to meet his Ethiopian siblings early, so he arrived 7 weeks early.

In 15 months we went from zero to three children - 3 ½ years old, 2 years, and a newborn. And we effortlessly moved into survival mode. After years of longing, here we were. A not-so-instant family with a bazillion needs – medical, attachment, emotional, developmental.

Occasionally I showered, but I put on make-up every day just to feel a little feminine. For months, droves of friends brought food, ran errands, and cared for our basic needs. My mom visited from the Midwest to offer support and cooking skills about 6 times. Once an avid reader, I didn’t read a single book for over a year. I cleaned my house about every 3 weeks. I never, ever, ever worked out, though I grimaced at the post-baby pounds that didn’t fall off with breastfeeding like everyone promised (Liars, all of them). My husband got laid off from his job this past fall. All the while I continued pastoring full-time at our church. Life was – and is – crazy.

I’ve come to believe that surival mode is a gift from God. He graced us with the cloud of ignorance because we just couldn’t do anything more than survive. Now, 27 months into parenting our little brood I’m beginning to lift my head from the tyrrany of the urgent. Beginning. I’ve realized that our family’s had three unwritten, barely articulated goals in the madness of these past 2 years.

First, get $h!t done. Kids need to eat at least three times per day. They need clean diapers every once in a while. Dishes need to make their way from the table to the sink to the dishwasher. Baths are helpful a couple times a week. We need clean clothes. Bills must be paid. Email needs to be checked. Meetings needed to be planned and lead well. Plans needed to be developed. Everyday there’s just a lot of stuff to get done. So, get as much done as divinely possible.

Second, keep people alive. This is where meals and safety and wisdom came into play. But mainly feed the little ones and make sure they don’t drown in the bathtub while you’re cooking pasta.

Third, love each other as best we can. Our oldest two kiddos came home from Ethiopia with a host of (expected) issues – medical, language, developmental, attachment. Our littlest one came home from the hospital with a couple, minor medical issues and normal newborn needs. It’s very easy to let the multitude of real needs overtake the greatest need. At the end of the day, have we spoken kindly to each other? Have we smothered each other in kisses? Have my kids heard me say more than once today “I love you, no matter what”? Have our kids seen me kiss my husband and connect with him more than just as a “divide and conquer” partner? Have we smiled at each other more than we’ve barked instructions as we get $h!t done? Have we said “I’m sorry; will you forgive me” as needed? Love covers a multitude of sins.

So, that’s where we are these days. Three simple goals that are about more than we can handle. Sure, I can’t wait to get back to my pre-baby weight and go on bi-monthly dates with my man and have a normal 8-hour work day, but those days will come. I’m learning to embrace all the more the “unforced rhythms of grace” (Matthew 11) that Jesus offers me. He knows my madness and he’s okay with my survival these days. It’s actually in that surival that I can experience that supernatural grace and power that I desperately need. Amen.

Asher's Shower

Six days after Asher was born, I had my previously scheduled baby shower. My friends who threw the shower tried to convince me all week that we should postpone it. "You've just had major surgery!" "You need to rest!" "Let's postpone until Asher comes home!" I stayed the course and convinced them I could do it. I'm so glad I did. It was good for my soul to be with women who love me and my family. The shower took the sting out of Asher being in the NICU instead of my arms. And let's be honest, we needed the gifts to bring home Asher!!
I've had two of the most AMAZING baby showers in the last 18 months. At my last baby shower, I had just left Judah and Addise in Ethiopia and was a blubbering idiot at my shower. Then, at this shower I left Asher in the NICU. Geez. No more baby showers for me. These were two very emotional and non-traditional baby showers for me and my friends.

May the pictures can share the story of this incredible afternoon with my friends...

Cutest cake you ever did see!

Everything had a personal touch. All the desserts were made by one of the girls on my team - a baker at heart!

Every guest made their own party favor - personalized bags with Asher's birth information. Every guest also signed a handmade guestbook, complete with their address (easy for thank you notes!). Finally, everyone wrote in a book with "mommy advice". These words were beyond general - they spoke into who I truly am and what I need to be a great mother. THANK YOU, RAI, for creating such meaningful, personalized items.

To say my friends are "generous" is just too flighty a word. Thankfully, they didn't make me open gifts at the shower. Afterward, I opened gifts for two days.

Maybe the best part of my shower: my daughter and my mom were there. My mom flew into town just a few hours before the shower. A dream come true to have her there.

She who walks with the wise grows wise (Proverbs). These are some amazing women in my life. Over the past 7+ years these women have spoken into my life, walked with me, and transformed me.

No caption can capture her beauty or personhood. Loved having my daughter with me at this shower. To say she was given too much sugar by all her aunties is an understatement.

Adorable clothes line of baby clothes. The preemie clothes look like doll clothes. The great attention to detail and thoughtful, meaningful interactions blew my mind!

Every guest spoke a prayer and word of blessing for Asher and me. The white beads are for Asher's birth month (diamonds) and the green beads for mine (peridot). They were all strung on to a necklace for me. Beyond amazing!

The icing on the cake: Carol (in above necklace picture) secretly talked with my mom who wrote me a two page letter of blessing and wisdom. Yes, I cried.

Most of the women who showered us with love. Massive love and thanks to Rai, Carol, Sookyung for hosting this lavish affair. Though I still look 9 months pregnant here, I had to post this picture of my beautiful community.

I left full and exhausted. What a day. It truly takes a village and this village is a keeper. Much love and thanks to my community for showering us with love.

Newborns

A wise adoptive momma friend told me a couple years ago that the pain of infertility didn't end for her until her 2 little Ethiopian princesses came home. I didn't believer her, but it was TOTALLY true!

Even since our kids have come home, I've still experienced motherhood grief. The most recent sting was like a punch to the gut. A dear friend had her baby girl 7 weeks ago. The "Diaz 4" were among the first at the hospital to welcome sweet baby Harper into the world.

Several weeks later I saw Liz and Harper at our staff meeting. The scene was classic newborn: Harper got cranky. Liz instinctively scooped up her infant and snuggled her into her chest where her itty-bitty baby cuddled for the next 30 minutes.

As I watched this beautiful scene out of the corner of my eye, my heart and eyes unexpectedly welled. I instantly felt this intense loss of not being able to do that for Judah and Addise. I wondered if their biological mothers had nurtured them like that. I longed to have known them from those teensy-tiny days where they weighed less than 10 pounds. I felt the pang of not being able to bond with them from those first days of life. The first picture I have of Judah is 1 month after his 2nd birthday. I simply wished that I have been a part of their story from Day 1.

This is one of the odd things of adoption. Judah and Addise are 100% my children, and yet there is so much a part of their story that I do not know. It feels like I've birthed them, but there's a gap in knowing them. Adoption is the encapsulation of everything as it should be [redemption, love, reconciliation, healing] and everything as it wasn't meant to be [loss, poverty, death].

So while there is already tremendous healing through becoming J&A's momma, it's not yet complete. Such is the Kingdom on Earth...