A Look Back at Our Infertility Journey

Scrolling back in my computer for another document, I stumbled upon these words tonight. They screamed of my brokenness and God's faithfulness in our lives. So, I wanted to share. Please, if someone you know is currently in the mess of infertility, share our journey with them. As my friend Kelly said repeatedly, "this is not the end".

The following is unedited nearly 4 years later...

Infertility Journey Timeline

4 May 2009

August 2001

• We got married!!!  Got married young, so we totally didn’t want to have kids for 3-5 years…
• And throughout the past couple years, we keep getting the question “when do you guys want to have babies?” more & more frequently.  For a long time we shrugged off the question because we’ve loved our life together.  Our motto was, “once a parent, always a parent.  So let’s take advantage of this time that we’ll never get alone together again.”  And we’re glad we made that decision!

Circa 2003

• Told a friend of mine, “I wonder if we’ll adopt a baby from Africa before we have our own kids?”  God planted that dream in our heart for a purpose.

July 2007

• 6 years later…Officially trying to get pregnant!

January 2008                

• After about 6 months of confusing responses from my body, I decided to see my doctor.  I was sensing there was a problem with my body…things weren’t working right.

Good Friday 2008

§  Diagnosis of my infertility [PCOS], the #1 cause of infertility in women

§  Let the treatment begin!  My doctor was very optimistic that we could get pregnant.  She said most couples get pregnant within a year of trying.  If it’s longer than that, that’s what diagnoses you with an infertility issue.  While the news of my PCOS was shocking and sharp pain, we still really believed we could conquer this in no time. 

§  Brian and I talked about our “limits” with treatment.  We knew that we didn’t want to financially invest in costly treatments because of our heart/calling for adoption.  We would rather financially invest into an adoption then risky, unsure medical treatments.

§  We had no idea what lay ahead…

March-August 2008

§  Medical treatment with my OB [doctor appointments, blood tests, HSG, multiple meds, 20+ ultrasounds]

§  Did some sort of treatment or test nearly every week during that time period

§  My body seemed to be responding pretty well to the procedures

§  No answers as to why I couldn’t get pregnant during these 5 months

§  Obviously an emotional roller coaster.  Besides the stress and pain of our inability to get pregnant, the meds sent me on a hormone roller coaster.  Plus, it was a “baby boom” everywhere I looked.  A constant reminder of what I could not have.

§  Still, Brian and I were always on the same page.  One of the decisions we made was that whenever the costs to get pregnant became stretching, we would start the adoption process.  Initially, we gave ourselves until the end of 2008 to get pregnant. Otherwise, we would start the adoption process.  But we also said we would follow the suggested medical treatments until the financial part limited us.

§  March: Started reading When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd.  It’s all about our soul’s transformation throughout pain and active waiting.  It nourished and sustained me; giving new language to God’s word and my experiences. 

• May: This was also the time that I stepped into Noah’s Place full-time.  “Reluctant leader” and “painful adaption” don’t even begin to describe my soul.

August 2008

§  My OB told me, “There’s nothing else I can do for you.  I need to refer you to an infertility specialist.” 

§  God gave me a conversation with a good friend of ours [Loc Ta], and he told us that his friend is a well-respected specialist.  We called him, and immediately God opened the door for us to see him. 

§  Hope was renewed and we didn’t feel forgotten.

Sept 2008-Feb 2009

§  3 IUI (inter uterine insemination) cycles; produced over mature 20 eggs total; Never got pregnant

§  Sunday, February 15^th after I moderated the Newsong services (with David Ruis) was when I found out the last IUI failed.  Brian got the phone call and told me when I got home from church.  I felt something break inside of me, and I knew I had nothing left to give to this process. 

§  My infertility doctor said there were no foreseen reasons I never got pregnant, and that medically IVF was our next step.  Brian and I knew that we wouldn’t go for IVF.

§  At the end of February, Brian and I started talking about “when” to start the adoption process.  God laid a series of conversations in front of us that affirmed the time to begin was now.

March 2, 2009

§  We submitted our application to CWA to adopt a baby girl from Ethiopia!! 

§  Almost immediately started experiencing healing, hope, and joy in new ways.

§  We are adopting because of calling, conviction, compassion, and commitment.  Calling: years ago there was a dream and it was confirmed in Kenya.  Conviction: God’s calling to care for the widow and orphans; We can!  Compassion: our heart breaks for the needs of African children.  Commitment: to be a 3^rd culture family.

May 2009

§  Seriously, to date this has been the most painful and most transformational experience of my life.  The butterfly necklace I wear daily speaks to the cocooning, dying, and rebirth that I’ve experienced throughout this journey [Brian bought it for my 29^th birthday]. 

§  It has also radically changed our marriage – bringing healing, understanding, comfort, and intimacy like we’ve never experienced before.  This has been the most strengthening and healing circumstance we’ve ever experienced as a couple!

§  We are in the home study portion of our adoption process, hoping to bring home Baby Ethiopia within the next 9-11 months.

October 20, 2010

§  One the waitlist with CWA to bring home TWO little ones from Ethiopia

Mommy Needs...

The scene was my kitchen table and living room. The date was a random Friday a couple weeks ago. Brian went for a long run then a Costco run. I was home with my kids on my Sabbath...working.

My days are out of control recently. I'm working way too much. Way. It's a unique season of ministry where I've finished most days with a list of "to dos" longer than when I've started the day. Every single day has dealt with painful emails, difficult conversations, disappointed followers, misunderstood decisions, and awkward transitions. Literally, every single day. It's a season I hope to leave sooner than later. Tears have defiantly fallen more often than I'd like. I've been hanging on by a thread while passionately casting a vision of a new thing I believe God's calling our community toward [Isaiah 43:18-19]. Most days I feel a complicated tension of intense conviction and a weary beat down.

My prayer life has taken on a life of its own! My prayers have been desperate. Wholly hopeful. Deeply convicted. Sometimes demanding. Always honest. Never defeated.

Back to the scene in my kitchen/living room. I was desperately trying to catch up on a litany of emails and ever-urgent "to dos", instead of playing with my kids on the floor. Ugh. As I'm sitting at my computer doing all kinds of pastoral and "spiritual" things I found myself turning my head over my shoulder every 5-7 minutes yelling at my toddlers. Addise, don't hit Judah! Judah, stop jumping on the couch!! Addise, you know you're not supposed to drink Judah's water!!! Judah, if you do that one more time you get a hand-slap!!!! At one moment I'm spiritually leading people virtually and the next minute I'm about to go postal on my kids. All the while, I'm having a very "Paul" moment:

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. [Romans 7]

Brian got home before I did something really bad and asked how I was. I erupted, "I'm about to have a serious meltdown in every way." True to form, Brian calmly responded a few minutes later. "I'm going to tell you what you're going to do and you're not going to argue. You're going to take a shower [NOTE: this was because it'd probably been 2.5 days] and then you're going to leave and not come back until later tonight. You can go to the mall. You can do whatever you want, but you need to go." I choked back tears and ran off to the shower. During my shower my mind raced with how I was going to make the best use of my 5 hours alone. Errands needed to be run. Returns made. Groceries picked up. Gift cards used. Personal tasks completed. But I kept coming back to REST. I needed rest.

After my shower, Brian came back to our room and said, "I have another idea. You know that place we got massages [$20 for an hour!!!]? Go there." I started crying again and said I also thought of going to see a movie alone. His Puerto Rican eyes got really big. I've never done that. Ever. I always thought that excursion was for weirdos [though Brian adores movies alone]. But I was craving sitting in an air conditioned theater with no one asking me for anything, touching me, expressing their disappointment in my actions. My heart needed to be massaged by God, as much as my aching muscles.

That afternoon was hard for me just to receive the grace of time and let go. But my soul demanded it. I've been meditating on the passage where Jesus beckons his disciples to answer this question: "what's the benefit if you gain the whole world and lose your souls?" I will not lose my soul.

Though I'm a hot mess these days, I know I'm loved. I'm loved by my God though I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do. I'm loved by my husband who's the best friend, co-parent, and love of my life. And I know I'm loved by others who care about who I am more than what I do. So, I'm a mess yet I'm grateful. And I'm learning some along the way, too.

Today Is Redeemed

Today was my first Mother's Day actually holding my babies in my arms. How I've longed for this day! I could hardly wrap my head and heart around this day - my first Mother's Day.

Brian made this day exceptional for me. I was the first to wake up since today was a work day. I had the quiet of the morning to soak in the goodness of this day. Blow-drying my hair I couldn't get over the fact that last Mother's Day Judah and Addise were in Ethiopia, but I was not yet their mommy. There are no words to encapsulate how much I love these two and how miraculously God chose them to be our children.

I brought Addise with me to Newsong and taught in our middle school ministry. An unexpected gift from today were the scores of hugs and blessings from students, parents, and friends.

The zenith took my breath away and caused me to burst into tears. Just minutes before I was to teach, a friend approached me with a giant hug, card, and gift for my first Mother's Day. Just two weeks ago her sister passed away, leaving her 14 year old son in the care of my friend. Her card affirmed my journey and mothering, then sharing that she wanted to give me her sister's necklace of a mother and child. Instant sobbing. I fell into her arms. No words could adequately thank her for the profundity of her gift, the beauty of that moment, or the sacrifice of this pendant. She immediately placed the necklace around my neck to join my Ethiopia necklace. Miraculous. I am beyond humbled and awed at her gift.

Shortly after, Brian arrived with Judah and these in his arms...

Newsong and our children's ministry did a beautiful job celebrating moms. Corsages were placed on my chest and pipe-cleaner rings placed on my finger by my kids. Judah literally ran to me saying "mommy, mommy!" and handed me this blue box. Oh man. I didn't know a pipe-cleaner ring could make me so happy!

Then, we hurried off to a Mexican restaurant on Balboa Island. Being on the ocean always is most filling and nourishing for me. Judah fell asleep in the car...
...and slept like this for the first half of our lunch. Divine! Meanwhile, Addise looked a lot like this...
We even got a [decent] family picture!

The highlight from my man was an incredibly thoughtful and meaningful card. The highlight from my kids was this book...
It's a couple hundred page book that we can fill with words, pictures, and memories over the years. The first pages looked like this...


Amazing, huh!?!??!

The kids were practically perfect all day. Tonight I'm sipping a glass of red wine and nibbling on what's left of a box of my favorite chocolates...
Finally, here's my little man wishing me a [prompted] Happy Mother's Day...



Next, I'm going to write a letter to Judah and Addise's birth mom [thanks for the idea Jen!]. As I celebrate Mother's Day every year, I want to be cognizant that my gain cost another. In gratitude, I want to remember their birth mom and honor her brave choice to give up her son/daughter.