Locusts, Omni Hotel, and Redemption

I want to remember everything God says to me. Every date. Every detail. Every lesson. Everything. This past week, God graced me to remember and learn something profoundly transformational.

Three years ago last weekend Brian and I went down to San Diego to spend a weekend together. We planned this getaway with the hopes of celebrating a pregnancy. We scheduled this weekend after our final round of clomid [infertility drugs], trusting that we'd use this time to privately celebrate a positive pregnancy test. Instead, we went to San Diego to grieve. We received a negative pregnancy test. Another one. We had already tried to get pregnant for over a year and had spent the previous 8 months in test after test after treatment after treatment. And we had received disappointment after disappointment.

So, three years ago we packed up our broken hearts and drove down to the Omni Hotel in San Diego to mourn together. Brian remembers me crying a lot. What was supposed to be a weekend of celebration turned into a weekend of heartache.

Somewhere in the midst of my infertility treatment, one of my spiritual gurus, Ed, told Brian and me that he believed Joel 2:25 for us - that God would repay us for the years the locusts [infertility] have eaten [stolen]. Ed told us that this verse translated properly from the Hebrew meant that the God of all time, who knows no time, yet works within our understanding of God would GIVE BACK everything from the years of devastation from what the locusts had stolen. Somehow, in only a way God can, he would restore and make up for lost time. I didn't really believe him but I thought it was a good thing to believe about God.

Fast forward to this week - 3 years later. Brian and I once again packed up our car with suitcases, a diaper bag, strollers, and umpteen bags to head to San Diego on our annual Newsong staff retreat [now reenvisioned as the XEALOT Alliance Retreat]. We also strapped in our 3 year old son and 18 month old daughter.

Literally, we were almost to San Diego when it all hit me. Same weekend. Three years later. Same hotel. Our two beautiful Ethiopians falling asleep in the back seat. Redemption. The craziest part is that our annual staff retreat is never this weekend, we've never stayed at the Omni, and it's been in several other cities over the years, and Brian has never come with me on a staff retreat before. It was like God planned out the specific details of this retreat just for us. Grace poured out!!!

God redeemed time! Little did we know when we were grieving at the Omni the last weekend of August 2008 that a little boy named Abebayehu was 7 weeks old in a remote village in Awassa, Ethiopia. While we grieved. He nursed. While I cried, Judah cried too. While I was too immersed in my own pain, God was working a miracle behind the scenes that was immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine [Ephesians 3:20-21].

It's just like God to l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y give us back those years in the person of Judah Abebayehu. Only God. What the enemy intended to harm us with, God intended for good [Genesis 50]. Something deep shifted in my spirit this week to know - mind and heart - that when we grieve or are confused or in pain or just plain wandering, imagine what God is doing behind the scenes. He is working all things together for good [Romans 8:26-28] and making ALL things new. God doesn't give us his leftovers or hand-me-downs or even just polish the old to make it look new. He gives us brand new gifts because of his great love for us.

Even when we are angry with God or not even paying attention to him, he is graciously forming something beautiful. He is the most exquisite story-teller. Is he not?

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

   Glory to God in the church!
   Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
   Glory down all the generations!
   Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!"

Listen and Obey :: How?

I was prompted to flesh out my previous post about how we are working with Judah to listen and obey. My first confession is that it's harder than it sounds. Parenting a toddler is tough as they are asserting themselves, seeking an element of independence, gaining a voice, and developing their personality.

• EYE CONTACT :: We get down on his level, look him in the eye, require him to look in ours and speak as calmly and authoritatively as possible about what is expected.
  
• "YES, MOMMY" :: After we finish explaining what he cannot do, we make Judah say "Yes, Mommy" or "Ok, Daddy". That's our verbal agreement of him listening to what we've said.
  
• CONSISTENCY :: This is a big one with what is and isn't acceptable in our house. If we're inconsistent on behavioral expectations, everything else is for naught. Karyn Purvis says that kids learn their parent's boundaries in 3 months. Yikes.
  
• REPETITION :: "Did you hear what mommy said?" We are quick to repeat over and over what's acceptable. If something's going to hurt them, we say "owie" multiple times. If Judah takes something that is Addise's or ours, we say "that's not yours". If he's hungry or thirsty, we make sure he asks for it through words or sign language. We say and ask Judah to repeat "please" and "thank you" for most everything in the world. This repetition is so important for training his heart and hands.
  
• REDIRECT :: For the things that Judah isn't supposed to do, we make every effort to redirect his behavior toward something he CAN do.
  
• WARNINGS :: When he tests us to the limits or repeatedly pushes the boundaries, we give him a warning that the next time he's going to get in trouble. It's important for him to know when he's out of chances to do it right on his own.
  
• IMMEDIATE FOLLOW-UP :: When he loses those privileges, we work to quickly respond to his misbehavior. Karyn Purvis also talks about using only the strength required to right a wrong. This is important when his buff daddy needs to correct a 28 lb 3-year old.
  
• DISCIPLINE :: We've heard it said that physical discipline is not recommended for newly adopted kiddos because you do not know how they've been disciplined in the past. Physical discipline [i.e: spanking!] can be extremely harmful in the attachment process. But in the past couple months, we've sparingly used hand slapping for our kiddos and we've seen healthy responses from our kids. We've been very attentive to the after-math of this and have been willing to switch it up, if necessary. So far we feel good about this. We've also utilized "time-ins" for Judah when he needs to chill out. Instead of separating him from us, we've kept him near but removed privileges. This has been a starting point to teaching him about grace and mercy.
  
• NURTURE FOLLOWING DISCIPLINE :: We make a concerted effort to reinforce our love - regardless of his recent behavior!!!!! - after he's been corrected. One adoptive daddy just told me that when he starts to correct his newly adopted son, his son starts crying [a wounded response from his son's abandonment issues]. But this dad begins the discipline by saying, "No matter what you do, I love you. I'm not going anywhere even if you do something bad." Amazing Grace.
• REMINDERS :: Afterward, we also attempt to reiterate, "you need to listen and obey, mommy, ok? Say, 'ok, mommy'". We work really hard to consistently communicate the expectation and our love for him.
  

My training has taught me that authoritative parenting is the most effective in raising healthy and successful kids. Authoritative parenting has a high degree of nurture and high degree of expectations. We seek to provide equally high levels, which is impossible on a daily basis but is our parenting aim.

Before I became a parent, I'd heard that you should never discipline your child in anger. In an attempt to be an honest parent, whoever said that I'm pretty sure was never a parent. That's impossible to me. But in those few moments when we discipline in anger, it's also an opportunity to say afterward "I'm sorry" to our toddlers. That also teaches them about grace and forgiveness.

This is the kind of restorative parenting that we desire to give to Judah and Addise! We MOST DEFINITELY do not do it perfectly, but it's an area of focus and great intentionality for us.

I'd love your additional thoughts and suggestions...

Working Mom :: Co-Parenting

When people ask me how I can be the kind of mom I want to be AND work full-time, I tell them 2 things. First, I have an amazingly supportive husband [without this the second point isn't even valid]. Second, I have an amazingly supportive employer with super a flexible work schedule.

It's the first point that I'll dedicate to this post. Brian does not see me as the primary parent. He doesn't think that it's more my job to parent in these early years. He doesn't believe his primary job is to provide financially for our family. He views his primary job as being the best husband and father he can be. He doesn't value career over fatherhood. And he honors my calling as a pastor AND a mother. Because of these foundational beliefs, we are able to co-parent our children.

Practically, co-parenting means that Brian changes diapers, prepares meals, dresses our kids, puts them to bed, bathes them, and nurtures them with me. There is nothing I do that Brian doesn't do. Some days he does more of these things than I do. Other days, I carry the load more. But the point is that we both view and practice the daily grind of caring for 2 toddlers equally. We honor that we both have roles and responsibilities beyond parenting that we need to be healthy and whole. We support our individual needs so that we can bring our best to our marriage and kids.

We are learning how to do this better, too! We are learning how to parent from our strengths and draw from each others best contributions. We are struggling to find boundaries with work and play. We are seeking counsel and support from other parents we admire. We are facing our limits in very, very full lives. We are failing daily!! But our failure and struggle only increases our desire to co-parent. We need each other, desperately, to raise these 2 little people to fully become themselves.

Co-parenting. I'm a fan!