Pregnancy: Messy and Unfiltered

First of all, a heartfelt THANK YOU to the hundreds of you who've read our blog, texted me, called me, posted on Facebook, emailed/messaged me, and hugged me over the past week. It has been quite humbling and overwhelming to receive your joy and congratulations. It has literally enCOURAGEd me and boltered my capacity to celebrate this pregnancy more freely. Thank you.

Also, thank you for carefully guarding your tongue as you've jubilantly celebrated this pregnancy. While we have been recipients of "stupid comments", it pales in comparison to the sensitive, thoughtful, and loving words we've received. For that I am most profoundly grateful.

So, on to some of your questions - stated and sensed - as to "how are you feeling?" in this pregnancy.

PHYSICALLY :: Not bad considering I'm growing a human inside of me [so weird, right?!?]. My first trimester wasn't wonderful but it was so much better than many of my friends' pregnancies. I never puked and only felt nauseous for about a month off and on. My biggest nemesis was exhaustion. Pure, utter, uncontrollable exhaustion. For a while I couldn't decipher whether it was because I was pregnant or just tired from working full time and being a mom to two toddlers. Eventually, I gave in to the reality that it was all of it combined. Brian said I've been at 60-70% of my normal capacity, but since my coworkers couldn't tell most of the time I consider that pretty darn good.

I've felt pregnant since before we officially found out in mid-October because of the wacky symptoms I was experiencing. But since we aren't conversing over a cup of decaf coffee, I'll spare you the unappetizing specifics. Suffice it to say that what makes you impregnate-able beforehand makes you not-so-attractive after getting knocked up. Follow me?

EMOTIONALLY :: This is a loaded one question. Like I alluded in my previous post, I will unpack this further in the days to come. Yet I will elaborate a bit more here. We wanted to adopt again. I didn't want to get pregnant after experiencing the miracle of adoption. I had FULLY died to the dream of carrying a child and was totally accepting of that. The thought of having 3 kids under the age of 4 join our family in the span of 18 months is quite intimidating. The fact that we drive 2 Honda Civics and live in a cozy 2 bedroom, 1100 square foot condo without a washer/dryer cramps my style. The shocking reality that our baby will not be black like his/her sibling still confounds me. The fears of others' comments about Judah and Addise and Baby #3 could be paralyzing if I thought about it too long. Accepting that my body is hosting then sustaining another's life for nearly 18 months doesn't fit my ideal. It's also been a bit guilt inducing that I'm not altogether joyful about this miracle. After all we've been through, why wouldn't my wholehearted, exclusive response be worship to Creator God?

These are not insurmountable feelings, but they are requiring me to name them all and take them to the Cross where Jesus can deal with them and me together. My feelings are nothing God is surprised by nor overwhelmed with. He's been patient with me as I've taken them to him one by one and let him transform them.

Emotionally, it's also a HUGE relief that people now know. I felt like a fraud and liar for 6+ weeks walking around. When people asked, "how are you?" I wanted to blurt out, "PREGNANT! What the $&@%?!?" But instead I eeked out some lame response. I also feel more authentic in my clothes, not trying so desperately to hide a belly demanding attention. Daily I felt betrayed by my tightening jeans and unforgiving shirts. Finally, I can say, "I'm pregnant. I'm not just getting fat." What a load off.

RELATIONALLY :: Brian and I are doing really well. Honestly, he's been way more excited [albeit still very overwhelmed] than I have since day one. But he's been careful and sensitive to allowing me to journey through my emotions. He's really the most amazing, wise man. He has said that I've been more irritable and grumpy with him, but he gets that I've been growing body parts inside of my body. As a sci-fi guy, he gets this and sympathizes. Our time together seems to be more defined by exhaustion these days [me growing a baby; him pulling extra weight in our family], but after 10+ years of marriage there's a deep connection and "I got your back" determination.

Our kiddos are also doing great with this news they don't fully understand. When I ask Addise where mommy's baby is, she gets a very puzzled and determined look over her face, then repeats "baby" on turbo speed until she finds one of her baby dolls and brings it to me. Pure simplicity! When I ask Judah where the baby is, he replies verbatim every time, "there's a baby in mommy's belly." The other morning I asked him while he was playing and he said the above statement, then ran over to me, pointed to my bulging belly and cleverly exclaimed, "I found it!" Pure joy!

SPIRITUALLY :: This is the most wonderfully messy and complex part. Again, I promise to unpack my soul over the coming posts, but I will say I'm in a familiar a place of surrender and dependency like I was throughout our adoption journey. As a friend told me today, "God reminded me for you that he's way more interested in the journey than the outcome. God said 'Journey'." Very little of this pregnancy makes sense to me other than God proving that he's a God of miracles and humor. In fact, laughter is my favorite response from people when they find out we are pregnant. It shows they've entered into the craziness with us. Wonder and awe are my next favorite responses because those seem to make sense with who God is to us, too. [Although a shock-filled response is most like our response.]

Prayers are greatly appreciated. Any words from the Lord? We'll take them. Just be sure he wants us to hear "that" word now. :) There's a lot to figure out in the next 27 weeks. Ai ai ai. And because I'm feeling bold this evening, my first pregnancy picture...

12 weeks pregnant...cannot believe the size of this baby bump!

Mommy Needs...

The scene was my kitchen table and living room. The date was a random Friday a couple weeks ago. Brian went for a long run then a Costco run. I was home with my kids on my Sabbath...working.

My days are out of control recently. I'm working way too much. Way. It's a unique season of ministry where I've finished most days with a list of "to dos" longer than when I've started the day. Every single day has dealt with painful emails, difficult conversations, disappointed followers, misunderstood decisions, and awkward transitions. Literally, every single day. It's a season I hope to leave sooner than later. Tears have defiantly fallen more often than I'd like. I've been hanging on by a thread while passionately casting a vision of a new thing I believe God's calling our community toward [Isaiah 43:18-19]. Most days I feel a complicated tension of intense conviction and a weary beat down.

My prayer life has taken on a life of its own! My prayers have been desperate. Wholly hopeful. Deeply convicted. Sometimes demanding. Always honest. Never defeated.

Back to the scene in my kitchen/living room. I was desperately trying to catch up on a litany of emails and ever-urgent "to dos", instead of playing with my kids on the floor. Ugh. As I'm sitting at my computer doing all kinds of pastoral and "spiritual" things I found myself turning my head over my shoulder every 5-7 minutes yelling at my toddlers. Addise, don't hit Judah! Judah, stop jumping on the couch!! Addise, you know you're not supposed to drink Judah's water!!! Judah, if you do that one more time you get a hand-slap!!!! At one moment I'm spiritually leading people virtually and the next minute I'm about to go postal on my kids. All the while, I'm having a very "Paul" moment:

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. [Romans 7]

Brian got home before I did something really bad and asked how I was. I erupted, "I'm about to have a serious meltdown in every way." True to form, Brian calmly responded a few minutes later. "I'm going to tell you what you're going to do and you're not going to argue. You're going to take a shower [NOTE: this was because it'd probably been 2.5 days] and then you're going to leave and not come back until later tonight. You can go to the mall. You can do whatever you want, but you need to go." I choked back tears and ran off to the shower. During my shower my mind raced with how I was going to make the best use of my 5 hours alone. Errands needed to be run. Returns made. Groceries picked up. Gift cards used. Personal tasks completed. But I kept coming back to REST. I needed rest.

After my shower, Brian came back to our room and said, "I have another idea. You know that place we got massages [$20 for an hour!!!]? Go there." I started crying again and said I also thought of going to see a movie alone. His Puerto Rican eyes got really big. I've never done that. Ever. I always thought that excursion was for weirdos [though Brian adores movies alone]. But I was craving sitting in an air conditioned theater with no one asking me for anything, touching me, expressing their disappointment in my actions. My heart needed to be massaged by God, as much as my aching muscles.

That afternoon was hard for me just to receive the grace of time and let go. But my soul demanded it. I've been meditating on the passage where Jesus beckons his disciples to answer this question: "what's the benefit if you gain the whole world and lose your souls?" I will not lose my soul.

Though I'm a hot mess these days, I know I'm loved. I'm loved by my God though I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do. I'm loved by my husband who's the best friend, co-parent, and love of my life. And I know I'm loved by others who care about who I am more than what I do. So, I'm a mess yet I'm grateful. And I'm learning some along the way, too.

Discipline Practices :: your first days home

Several friends have brought home their desperately prayed for children in the past couple months, and I've received a slew of emails about how to respond to the clash of cultures, communication chasms, grieving issues, and discipline needs ~ especially for toddlers. Here are some thoughts about how we handled - and wished we handled - discipline and attachment issues in those first days home...

PHILOSOPHY.  We seek to discipline our kids in the same ways God disciplines those he loves...US! We see discipline as both proactive and responsive. Proactively, we want to guide them toward good things that will strengthen their souls and encourage them to become all God's created them to be. Responsively, it's correcting them when they get it wrong and showing them another way. Discipline is NEVER about shame, punishment, power, or control because that's NOT how God disciplines us. Discipline is a practice that allows us to get in sync with what God most wants for us - to walk with him. We also pray that our discipline is never exclusively about the behavior but always about what's behind the behavior - the heart. We're not into a gospel of sin management but a fuller gospel of grace.

ATTACHMENT. We chose to err on the side of attachment over discipline. Those first several weeks [months?] we didn't do any physical discipline. It was exhausting but I'm glad we didn't. We heard from experts and believed that our kids' acting out was about fear, grief, and seeking boundaries than it was about them being "bad". We chose not to physically discipline because their behavior was not rebellious. Also, your kids have never experienced YOUR parenting, so they are learning very fast...on so many levels. In the same breath, we read that kids learn parenting philosophy within 3 months. So while we wanted them to know what was appropriate, we wanted them to know they were safe and loved by us more than anything.

BOUNDARIES. Instead of physical discipline, we chose to redirect their actions and words...constantly. We removed as many temptations as possible. When they acted out we disciplined ourselves to respond with hugs, snuggles, and kisses. Mentally, every time they behaved inappropriately [mainly Judah] I just imagined his grief and nightmares causing it, like he was reliving some of his most painful memories. That reflection gave me strength, compassion, and perspective not to spank him when that's what I'd naturally want to do. Of course we didn't do this perfectly, but that was our posture and daily commitment for a LONG time. Really, only recently have we started hand slaps or bottom spankings. Eight-plus months into that discipline philosophy, our kids are doing great in every way and listening better than I'd expect for a 3 year old and 18 month old.

HEALING. We have also found that our kids' [again, mainly Judah] acting out was related to grief, trust, safety, or language barriers. It's NOT because they are bad or want to ruin your life! I also affirm the "time-in" method [vs. the "time out"]. One principle I've really grown to appreciate is that we need to actually bring our kids closer when they disobey/act out instead of pushing them away. By pulling them closer, we teach about grace and mercy, not that we don't want them near us unless they are good. After all, this is what God does to us, he brings us closer when we sin. He goes after us when we run away from him. The practice of "time-in" is a reminder of God's discipline of those he lives and is pretty darn transformational for parents, too!

NO "NO'S". We are way more liberal in our use of this word 8+ months into parenting, but we were VERY cautious not to use it in those first months. We wanted our kids to feel like our home was their home so they could have free reign. This is why we simply removed temptations from them. We wanted their bodies, minds, and souls to find REST and YES-es in our home, not to be restricted and confined in their own space. So, instead of saying "no", we did a lot of redirecting or trading one thing for another. Again, it's a LOT of work but ESPECIALLY with a language barrier, this was a great choice in those first few months. Again with the language barrier, our social worker told us to expect 2-3 months for every year until Judah was totally current with normal language development for his age [he was 2.5 years old when we adopted him which meant 4-6 months until he was caught up]. She was right! We saw big communication improvement after 4 months, but at 6 months his little vocab and comprehension took on a new level.

LOVED ALL OVER. I've heard the poetry of multiple parents speaking their undying love for their "chosen child". These words are powerful to their core for any human being, but especially a child who's lost everything and is finding love in your family. These couple statements are my favorites that my friends say to their kids when they discipline their child...

• "Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you. And we're not going anywhere. We love you when you obey and when you don't. "
• "I love you no matter what you do. There's nothing you can do that will make me love you less. And there's nothing you can do that will make me love you more. You're stuck with me and I'm not leaving you."
• "I forgive you. Thank you for saying sorry. I love you buddy."

These practices are easier said than done, but it is possible! We chose the hard way of connecting, bonding, and affection in those first months when the easier way would've been spanking, yelling, and force. But today we are seeing some fruit of our labor as our kids understand their boundaries, lavish us with unsolicited affection, and listen when we call. None of us our perfect, but we are perfectly working it out as a family centered on Love.