A Look Back at Our Infertility Journey

Scrolling back in my computer for another document, I stumbled upon these words tonight. They screamed of my brokenness and God's faithfulness in our lives. So, I wanted to share. Please, if someone you know is currently in the mess of infertility, share our journey with them. As my friend Kelly said repeatedly, "this is not the end".

The following is unedited nearly 4 years later...

Infertility Journey Timeline

4 May 2009

August 2001

• We got married!!!  Got married young, so we totally didn’t want to have kids for 3-5 years…
• And throughout the past couple years, we keep getting the question “when do you guys want to have babies?” more & more frequently.  For a long time we shrugged off the question because we’ve loved our life together.  Our motto was, “once a parent, always a parent.  So let’s take advantage of this time that we’ll never get alone together again.”  And we’re glad we made that decision!

Circa 2003

• Told a friend of mine, “I wonder if we’ll adopt a baby from Africa before we have our own kids?”  God planted that dream in our heart for a purpose.

July 2007

• 6 years later…Officially trying to get pregnant!

January 2008                

• After about 6 months of confusing responses from my body, I decided to see my doctor.  I was sensing there was a problem with my body…things weren’t working right.

Good Friday 2008

§  Diagnosis of my infertility [PCOS], the #1 cause of infertility in women

§  Let the treatment begin!  My doctor was very optimistic that we could get pregnant.  She said most couples get pregnant within a year of trying.  If it’s longer than that, that’s what diagnoses you with an infertility issue.  While the news of my PCOS was shocking and sharp pain, we still really believed we could conquer this in no time. 

§  Brian and I talked about our “limits” with treatment.  We knew that we didn’t want to financially invest in costly treatments because of our heart/calling for adoption.  We would rather financially invest into an adoption then risky, unsure medical treatments.

§  We had no idea what lay ahead…

March-August 2008

§  Medical treatment with my OB [doctor appointments, blood tests, HSG, multiple meds, 20+ ultrasounds]

§  Did some sort of treatment or test nearly every week during that time period

§  My body seemed to be responding pretty well to the procedures

§  No answers as to why I couldn’t get pregnant during these 5 months

§  Obviously an emotional roller coaster.  Besides the stress and pain of our inability to get pregnant, the meds sent me on a hormone roller coaster.  Plus, it was a “baby boom” everywhere I looked.  A constant reminder of what I could not have.

§  Still, Brian and I were always on the same page.  One of the decisions we made was that whenever the costs to get pregnant became stretching, we would start the adoption process.  Initially, we gave ourselves until the end of 2008 to get pregnant. Otherwise, we would start the adoption process.  But we also said we would follow the suggested medical treatments until the financial part limited us.

§  March: Started reading When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd.  It’s all about our soul’s transformation throughout pain and active waiting.  It nourished and sustained me; giving new language to God’s word and my experiences. 

• May: This was also the time that I stepped into Noah’s Place full-time.  “Reluctant leader” and “painful adaption” don’t even begin to describe my soul.

August 2008

§  My OB told me, “There’s nothing else I can do for you.  I need to refer you to an infertility specialist.” 

§  God gave me a conversation with a good friend of ours [Loc Ta], and he told us that his friend is a well-respected specialist.  We called him, and immediately God opened the door for us to see him. 

§  Hope was renewed and we didn’t feel forgotten.

Sept 2008-Feb 2009

§  3 IUI (inter uterine insemination) cycles; produced over mature 20 eggs total; Never got pregnant

§  Sunday, February 15^th after I moderated the Newsong services (with David Ruis) was when I found out the last IUI failed.  Brian got the phone call and told me when I got home from church.  I felt something break inside of me, and I knew I had nothing left to give to this process. 

§  My infertility doctor said there were no foreseen reasons I never got pregnant, and that medically IVF was our next step.  Brian and I knew that we wouldn’t go for IVF.

§  At the end of February, Brian and I started talking about “when” to start the adoption process.  God laid a series of conversations in front of us that affirmed the time to begin was now.

March 2, 2009

§  We submitted our application to CWA to adopt a baby girl from Ethiopia!! 

§  Almost immediately started experiencing healing, hope, and joy in new ways.

§  We are adopting because of calling, conviction, compassion, and commitment.  Calling: years ago there was a dream and it was confirmed in Kenya.  Conviction: God’s calling to care for the widow and orphans; We can!  Compassion: our heart breaks for the needs of African children.  Commitment: to be a 3^rd culture family.

May 2009

§  Seriously, to date this has been the most painful and most transformational experience of my life.  The butterfly necklace I wear daily speaks to the cocooning, dying, and rebirth that I’ve experienced throughout this journey [Brian bought it for my 29^th birthday]. 

§  It has also radically changed our marriage – bringing healing, understanding, comfort, and intimacy like we’ve never experienced before.  This has been the most strengthening and healing circumstance we’ve ever experienced as a couple!

§  We are in the home study portion of our adoption process, hoping to bring home Baby Ethiopia within the next 9-11 months.

October 20, 2010

§  One the waitlist with CWA to bring home TWO little ones from Ethiopia

Once an Ethiopian...

Addise wore her bright yellow, traditional Ethiopian dress. Judah wore his Amharic, "Ethiopian" t-shirt. It'd been too long since we've had Ethiopian food so we joined some African-loving friends for a traditional meal. We were greeted in warm, Ethiopian hospitality by Aster, which happens to be Addise's middle name. Aster lit up when she met our kids and I asked if she would speak Amharic to our kiddos throughout our meal. She enthusiastically agreed. What happened next nearly gave me a heart attack...

I greeted our friends, corralled Judah and Addise to the table, and began taking our seats. Aster was already leaning over, speaking to Judah in Amharic. She was talking to him and then I heard him say in English, "My name is Judah."

What?!?!

Tears flooded my eyes and I'm sure my face looked like I'd seen a ghost. I gasped at Aster, "he understood you?!?"

"Of course. Once he knows Amharic, it's always in there." she nonchalantly replied. I could hardly process what was happening. My son lived in Ethiopia for 2 1/2 years and has been home for over 2 years. For nearly half his life he's barely heard Amharic. But it all rushed back to the surface.

After an eternity of seconds I pulled myself together and begged her to speak more to him. She joyfully obliged. Throughout our 2-hour lunch Aster asked Judah in Amharic...

"Is she your older sister or younger sister?" ... "She's my little sister."
"Do you want that to drink?" ... "Yes, I want the orange juice like them."
"Thank you for coming here today." ... "Thank you."

A few weeks after this lunch, I'm still overwhelmed at what happened. First of all, my son is smart. Second, he's lost so very much. He lost his language (I'm confident he's lost two: Amharic and his tribal language) at an age when language was so important to his development. Third, we have an opportunity to preserve remnants of his birth language through experiences like this with Aster.

Lunch was amazing. Look at the beauty of Ethiopia through these pictures...

Set-up for a traditional coffee ceremony...a very special Ethiopian tradition.

Addise pretending. Judah indulging her.

True Love.

Traditional Ethiopian meal: doro wat, beef tibs and vegetables on injera.

Judah INHALED the lunch and ate just like an Ethiopian, with the flick of his wrist picking up the doro wat with a hunk of injera. It was food to my soul to watch his roots come to life!!!

After lunch was over we splurged on the coffee ceremony, which includes burning frankincense and nibbling on popcorn. One of my favorite things about Ethiopian culture!!!

Empty coffee cup with the colors of Ethiopia and the Lion of Judah. Full heart.

We will be back for more. Often. Soon.

First Mom. Forever Mom.

I think there must be something special between a mother and her son. Or maybe it's a special bond between a parent and their first-born child. Or maybe it's because I missed out on the first 2 1/2 years of his life. Whatever it is, the connection I have with Judah Abebayehu is indescribable.

Last month I had one of "those moments" as an adoptive mama. If you have an adopted child, you know these dreaded moments well. It's a moment where one of the losses that accompanies adoption comes out of no where and strikes you down. It's a moment when you thought everything was finally "normal" in your family and then a memory or reality hits you like lightening and you are forced into another level of grief for your child. After 2+ years of those moments, I've finally accepted "those moments" will happen for the rest of our lives. It's part of the reality of adoption.

I was driving home late from work one night. I hadn't seen the kiddos that day except for a few minutes in the morning, so I was just thinking about their day with daddy. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks and hot tears filled my eyes.

I have mothered Judah for nearly the exact amount of time that his birth mom mothered him. Two years and one month...almost to the day. Finally, I have been Judah's mommy for as long as the woman who birthed him into this world.

Exiting the highway toward our house, tears poured down my face as I once again grieved his birth mother's loss, Judah's trauma, and our lost time with him. But I also grieved for the first time the thought of losing my son. I cannot imagine giving Judah up after caring for, nurturing, and loving this little boy. After feeding him thousands meals, giving him hundreds of baths, brushing his teeth, changing endless diapers and teaching him how to go potty in the toilet, teaching him how to count to 10 and what shapes and colors were, giving him a bazillion kisses and telling him "I love you" a quadrillion times, how could I let him go forever??????? It was an unfathomable feeling. It leveled me to consider - once again - his birth mother's sacrifice.

I met Judah's birth mom. She was young. She was beautiful. I'm quite certain she loved him. I'm sure she thinks of him every day and wonders if he is loved and cared for. She didn't give him up because she didn't love him. She gave him up because she could not keep him.

And therein lies the paradox of adoption. A beautiful life redeemed and restored and given hope, and another side of the story that continues to bear pain.

Ever observant and watchful.

He still loves sitting on my lap and learning.

My son. My boy. His forever mom.