Expecting the Unexpected

There were a lot of things that we expected when we brought home Judah and Addise 11 months ago. Getting pregnant was not one of those things. SURPRISE - WE ARE PREGNANT! We are expecting a baby and it's completely unexpected! We are currently at 12 weeks.

Ok. Pick your jaw up off the floor. Grab a Kleenex box. Catch your breath. And shout out a couple desperate prayers for us. Then, read on [if you dare] for the saga that has been our Fall.

If you've been reading our story for long, you know that adopting Judah and Addise was our family's PLAN A. God planted that dream in our hearts long ago. However, we expected to have biological children before adopting. Making a deeply long and painful story short, after three years of trying to get pregnant - including over a year of extensive and intensive infertility treatment - we decided to start the adoption process. You can read much of our story on our blog [TIP: search "pain" for many of those posts].

Since becoming Judah and Addise's parents, we have been BLISSFULLY HAPPY. Complete. Whole. The old dream of having biological children had all but disappeared. Most days it feels like I birthed J & A because I so fully know I'm their momma. And then I remember they're black and I'm not. :)

Then, in mid-September I had a DREAM. I don't often dream and remember. But this felt like a dream from God. It was simple: I dreamed I was pregnant and it culminated in a baby. I woke up terrified. I didn't tell Brian because it freaked me out. A couple weeks later we were out on a date and I casually said, "Hey, just so ya know, I had a dream that we were pregnant. And it felt like a God-dream. It's probably nothing, but just in case something happens, I want you to know." What followed was a very brief and freaked out conversation.

As it turned out, I was barely pregnant when I had that dream.

A couple weeks later, I started wondering if something was going on with my body. Too many ODD THINGS HAPPENING IN MY BODY. So, I took a home pregnancy test and it turned positive right away [October 13th]. I immediately called Brian to the bathroom. We stared at the test together and had no words. I had never received a positive pregnancy test before. Scores of negative tests, but never a positive. We freaked out. Brian laughed nervously. Shortly after we took another test. It was like that second line couldn't appear fast enough. I felt light-headed. There are not appropriate words in the English language to describe my emotions that night or in the days that followed.

Needless to say, it's been an EMOTIONAL 6 WEEKS since we first took that pregnancy test and first heard our baby's heartbeat [October 17]. Honestly, I've been grieving and surrendering and embracing our new reality WAY MORE than simply celebrating. It's been messy. I will blog more about this soon, so please hold your judgment until I can explain this unlikely reaction. I will say that after seeing our baby at our most recent appointment, there was much delight and joy from Brian and me. I'm starting to get excited about Judah and Addise's baby brother/sister. And I'm starting to embrace my bulging body. :)

One of the reasons I've been wrestling is because of the "PREGNANCY-AFTER-ADOPTION MYTH". We've expected to hear "we knew you'd get pregnant after you brought those babies home". The truth is that less than 10% of couples who struggle with infertility then adopt EVER get pregnant [many stats place odds around 3-8% and the stats don't budge based on adoption or not]. Ultimately, I feel very sensitive for couples currently experiencing infertility AND protective over J & A never feeling 2nd choice. I will say this until I die: I'm profoundly grateful God chose this path for us because of the immeasurable blessings of Judah and Addise in our lives.

God-willing, Baby Diaz #3 will enter the world around June 10. What happens when you receive unexpected news? Chances are, it reveals something much deeper in your soul. I look forward to sharing honestly and vulnerably what's emerged from my soul as a result of this pregnancy.

Until then, thanks for joining us in celebrating our new life!

PS. In my next couple posts, I'll do my best to respond to whatever questions you post here.  :)

When I Think...

Today I spent a day of solitude at my favorite beach. Although it was cold, cloudy, and foggy (yes, in July), it was good for my soul. I felt at peace, at rest. It was well with my soul. I spent a fair amount of time contemplating the state of my soul regarding our adoption and processing some newer things with God. Among those newer things was thinking about when THE CALL comes...

Tonight, I've been reading some of my favorite Ethiopian adoption blogs, and came across this blog from another family adopting 2 little Ethiopians from our agency. She recently posted on "waiting" and I cried while reading the entire post!! Here are a couple excerpts...

i think of our children often. i wonder what they look like. how old they are. if they are still with their birth mother or already in an orphanage. if they have enough to eat. if they have enough love and cuddles and kisses. it is very strange to dwell on someone that you know nothing about, and yet that is really the beauty about all of this: i love my children, and i know nothing about them. my heart just feels bound to them in a way i can't really explain. i know, it's weird.

I have thought, felt, and wondered all those things...a hundred times over the past year. One of the things us adoptive parents have in common is this inexplicable love for children that we've never met and don't look like us. My heart has been bound to those children for the past 16 months. It is weird AND supernatural.

it often seems very unreal that at the end of however much waiting we will endure, there will actually be two little ones who will call us mommy and daddy. i think this is the one thing i envy about pregnant women. i'm sure it's still unreal to think that a baby will leave your womb and suddenly be yours to care for. but at least for those 9 months, your baby is inside of you, and you are affirmed everyday that this is real. and people around you affirm you too by commenting on how cute your baby bump is or asking about your due date or guessing whether the baby will have your eyes.

i guess what i realize is that many people still don't know how to talk about adoption as if it were equal to being pregnant. no, i don't want people to say they are the same because they aren't. but they are both equally valuable ways of becoming a parent. people can ask a pregnant woman a million questions about what it feels like to have a baby inside or what she thinks of public breastfeeding or if she'll deliver her baby naturally. but seriously, the minute an adoptive mom starts talking about attachment or racism or how there are 147 million orphans in the world...people really have no clue how to handle that.

i guess what i realize is that many people still don't know how to talk about adoption as if it were equal to being pregnant. no, i don't want people to say they are the same because they aren't. but they are both equally valuable ways of becoming a parent. people can ask a pregnant woman a million questions about what it feels like to have a baby inside or what she thinks of public breastfeeding or if she'll deliver her baby naturally. but seriously, the minute an adoptive mom starts talking about attachment or racism or how there are 147 million orphans in the world...people really have no clue how to handle that.if you're an adoptive parent, there are many people like me who understand the funk of the wait. i know that so much of the affirmation you have of your children is the feeling you have deep in your soul. and i know that people really don't get that or don't know how to engage that because we live in a society where pregnancy is normal, and adoption is...well, not as normal. i don't say any of this to disparage pregnancy because hey, i plan to at least try to be pregnant one day. i just pray that some day people can truly walk alongside one another in journeying to their children, appreciating the beauty and joy and validity of both pregnancy and adoption. and if you're not an adoptive parent, find an adoptive family to affirm today!

Oh, the tears on this post. My dear friend, Alicia, is about to burst with her first son later this month, and she sent me an amazing message today affirming me. She gets that the wait is hard and that I've seen so many pregnancies come and go over the past few years. She knows that I've seen bellies turn into babies who've turned into toddlers. She spoke into a deep part of me that's longed, ached, mourned, and hoped throughout this journey.

Thanks to my friends along the way who've blessed, affirmed, supported, and loved us through this journey. I will continue to wait. In the words of friend, Margaret Feinberg,

God invites us to place the weight of the wait on him.
He does not want us to wait alone, but rather wait on him alone.

Risk

"Every child deserves someone to have someone to take a risk on them." My friend, Erin, shared that at our church's adoption meeting last Sunday, and immediate I had to stifle ugly crying. I was holding her foster-to-adopt son in my arms, thinking about our own 2 kiddos and their unknown stories, and just lost it.

Erin's right. EVERY CHILD deserves someone - especially Christians - to have someone risk something for them. No child deserves to be orphaned. No child deserves to be abandoned. No child deserves to live in abuse or malnutrition or poverty. But someone has to take a risk on their little lives in order for those wrongs to be righted and their stories changed.

Erin went on to passionately call us toward action, "God doesn't call us to protect our hearts. He calls us to risk and take a chance on someone who might not have anyone else to risk on their behalf." Truth. Someone has surely taken a chance on you - relationally, vocationally, financially. And after we take a risk, who knows what God might do with their life!??! When I think about our 2 Ethiopian kiddos, their little lives are already implicitly changing our lives...and we haven't even met them. And they deserve for us to take a chance on them. For better or worse.

Later last week, I saw this video about Apple founder, Steve Jobs. If you don't watch the whole thing, just watch the first few minutes.


Take a risk today.