Infertility Described

For whatever reason, this month I've been particularly tender to our infertility journey. I haven't talked about it much, but if I read about infertility, reflect on our 2 years of it, or pray through it, I'm nearly brought to tears. If I had to label the reasons for my tenderness, I'd boil it down to...

1. It was 1 year ago this month that my OB/GYN uttered the words, "I'm sorry. There's nothing else I can do for you. You'll need to see an infertility specialist." Ugh. That was a horrible conversation. One that will be indelibly etched in the caverns of my brain.
   
2. We are getting oh-so close to sending in our dossier to Ethiopia [more on this in an upcoming post]. I keep thinking about our little one(s) [again, decision to be revealed in an upcoming post!!!!] and wondering where they are. I miss her more with each passing week. My heart literally aches when I think, pray, and hope for her.

I've read a couple excerpts from a couple books that have so beautifully described my journey with infertility. Perhaps it will help you understand me more. Perhaps it will whisper to your own journey. Perhaps it will give you a glimmer into another friend who's currently "in it".

Living through the ups and downs of a monthly cycle felt like riding an endless roller coast. At the start of every month, particularly during the "trying days", I always felt a surge or renewed hope. The middle part of the month wasn't bad either, as I anticipated test day. At times I felt like I was a little girl again, the December snow blanketing the earth and twinkling lights adorning the rooftops, while I waited anxiously under my covers until six am rolled around - the hour my parents permitted me to rush out to discover what Santa left me under the Christ tree. The end of the month, however, always left me feeling like the Grinch. Many nights I would stain my pillow with tears.

from ashes to africa by josh & amy bottomly

Every month she hoped her dreams would wed with reality and her womb would fill. Each menses mocked her desire, and she settled in for another month of rising and falling hope.

from The Healing Path by Dan Allender

If you have a friend who is "in it", please feel free to pass this on. Sometimes we just need words to describe our journey and validate our emotions. I know I do.

Hope Is...

A smattering of really smart, deeply moving, and spiritually profound descriptions on hope (from Dan Allender's The Healing Path). Instead of reading through these quickly, savor them like a fine wine...

• When hope dies, vitality, passion, and creativity are lost.
• Waiting stirs the soul's deep struggle with hope. We think it pleasant to hope, but in fact, nothing is more difficult than to hope. Hope lifts us up and gives us a view of how much ground must still be traveling on our journey. It allows us to see the horizon, usually far beyond our reach.
• God lets us wait - not to punish us, not because he has forgotten us, but because our waiting is the crucible he uses to purify our hope for him.
• Biblical hope leads one to wait with eager patience.
• Hope makes us playful, free, and inventive. Hope is not naive desire but a calculated risk that declares, whatever the loss, it is better than remaining where we are.
• When the storms come, we typically respond to them by raging against the gale or turning away from the loss, resigned and despondent. Most choose the latter option, because once we relinquish desire the loss does not seem so severe. But resignation is always a betrayal, not only of desire but also hope. Hope is the quiet, sometimes incessant call to dream for the future...Hope cannot be killed, not ever, but it can be drugged numb and sleepy...Biblical hope is substantial faith regarding the future. Hope looks at the shattered remnants of the soul hit by the storm and envisions not merely rebuilding, but rebuilding a life that has even more purpose and meaning than existed before the loss.

...and I'm only a little more than half way through the book! I may blog on some of this more later. But today I pray for you and me that when storms of pain head our way that we would choose to rage against the gale and fight for home. And as we fight for hope that we'd become more playful, free, inventive, creative, and passionate people. More of who we were created to by. Knowing more of the one who created us.

The Healing Path

One of the tasks of my Sabbatical has been to revisit this painful past year (or two). The author I chose to guide me through is Dan Allender. I've read a number of his books and love everything he has to say. During my Sabbatical, I've been pacing myself through The Healing Path. I've been tempted to race through it because it's so readable and I'm so resonating with it, but I also want to slowly absorb it and let it touch those wounded, tender places in my soul.

One of the more profound truths I've absorbed is quoted from theologian Frederick Buechner,

We are never more alive to life than when it hurts -
more aware both of our own powerlessness to save ourselves
and of at least the possibility of a power beyond ourselves to save us
and heal us if you can only open ourselves to it.

Yes! I've said on a number of occasions in the past few months with the raw pain behind us that I almost miss some of the heartbreak of our infertility journey. Not because I'm a masochist. Not because I wish we were still going through medical treatment. Not because I wish I was pregnant. But because the intensity of my pain allowed me to go to places with God, Brian, myself, and my community that pain-free living does not. I do not wish to go back to those moments of desperation and despair, but I do long to be fully alive (thus my tattoo). And pain does that more than anything.

Of course, I am desperately seeking to live in the change that this journey has produced. I want to live with open hands to God's life-changing power and experience that LIFE in every way, every day. And I want my pain and heartbreak to heal me more and more...