Mommy Needs...

The scene was my kitchen table and living room. The date was a random Friday a couple weeks ago. Brian went for a long run then a Costco run. I was home with my kids on my Sabbath...working.

My days are out of control recently. I'm working way too much. Way. It's a unique season of ministry where I've finished most days with a list of "to dos" longer than when I've started the day. Every single day has dealt with painful emails, difficult conversations, disappointed followers, misunderstood decisions, and awkward transitions. Literally, every single day. It's a season I hope to leave sooner than later. Tears have defiantly fallen more often than I'd like. I've been hanging on by a thread while passionately casting a vision of a new thing I believe God's calling our community toward [Isaiah 43:18-19]. Most days I feel a complicated tension of intense conviction and a weary beat down.

My prayer life has taken on a life of its own! My prayers have been desperate. Wholly hopeful. Deeply convicted. Sometimes demanding. Always honest. Never defeated.

Back to the scene in my kitchen/living room. I was desperately trying to catch up on a litany of emails and ever-urgent "to dos", instead of playing with my kids on the floor. Ugh. As I'm sitting at my computer doing all kinds of pastoral and "spiritual" things I found myself turning my head over my shoulder every 5-7 minutes yelling at my toddlers. Addise, don't hit Judah! Judah, stop jumping on the couch!! Addise, you know you're not supposed to drink Judah's water!!! Judah, if you do that one more time you get a hand-slap!!!! At one moment I'm spiritually leading people virtually and the next minute I'm about to go postal on my kids. All the while, I'm having a very "Paul" moment:

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. [Romans 7]

Brian got home before I did something really bad and asked how I was. I erupted, "I'm about to have a serious meltdown in every way." True to form, Brian calmly responded a few minutes later. "I'm going to tell you what you're going to do and you're not going to argue. You're going to take a shower [NOTE: this was because it'd probably been 2.5 days] and then you're going to leave and not come back until later tonight. You can go to the mall. You can do whatever you want, but you need to go." I choked back tears and ran off to the shower. During my shower my mind raced with how I was going to make the best use of my 5 hours alone. Errands needed to be run. Returns made. Groceries picked up. Gift cards used. Personal tasks completed. But I kept coming back to REST. I needed rest.

After my shower, Brian came back to our room and said, "I have another idea. You know that place we got massages [$20 for an hour!!!]? Go there." I started crying again and said I also thought of going to see a movie alone. His Puerto Rican eyes got really big. I've never done that. Ever. I always thought that excursion was for weirdos [though Brian adores movies alone]. But I was craving sitting in an air conditioned theater with no one asking me for anything, touching me, expressing their disappointment in my actions. My heart needed to be massaged by God, as much as my aching muscles.

That afternoon was hard for me just to receive the grace of time and let go. But my soul demanded it. I've been meditating on the passage where Jesus beckons his disciples to answer this question: "what's the benefit if you gain the whole world and lose your souls?" I will not lose my soul.

Though I'm a hot mess these days, I know I'm loved. I'm loved by my God though I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do. I'm loved by my husband who's the best friend, co-parent, and love of my life. And I know I'm loved by others who care about who I am more than what I do. So, I'm a mess yet I'm grateful. And I'm learning some along the way, too.

Discipline Practices :: your first days home

Several friends have brought home their desperately prayed for children in the past couple months, and I've received a slew of emails about how to respond to the clash of cultures, communication chasms, grieving issues, and discipline needs ~ especially for toddlers. Here are some thoughts about how we handled - and wished we handled - discipline and attachment issues in those first days home...

PHILOSOPHY.  We seek to discipline our kids in the same ways God disciplines those he loves...US! We see discipline as both proactive and responsive. Proactively, we want to guide them toward good things that will strengthen their souls and encourage them to become all God's created them to be. Responsively, it's correcting them when they get it wrong and showing them another way. Discipline is NEVER about shame, punishment, power, or control because that's NOT how God disciplines us. Discipline is a practice that allows us to get in sync with what God most wants for us - to walk with him. We also pray that our discipline is never exclusively about the behavior but always about what's behind the behavior - the heart. We're not into a gospel of sin management but a fuller gospel of grace.

ATTACHMENT. We chose to err on the side of attachment over discipline. Those first several weeks [months?] we didn't do any physical discipline. It was exhausting but I'm glad we didn't. We heard from experts and believed that our kids' acting out was about fear, grief, and seeking boundaries than it was about them being "bad". We chose not to physically discipline because their behavior was not rebellious. Also, your kids have never experienced YOUR parenting, so they are learning very fast...on so many levels. In the same breath, we read that kids learn parenting philosophy within 3 months. So while we wanted them to know what was appropriate, we wanted them to know they were safe and loved by us more than anything.

BOUNDARIES. Instead of physical discipline, we chose to redirect their actions and words...constantly. We removed as many temptations as possible. When they acted out we disciplined ourselves to respond with hugs, snuggles, and kisses. Mentally, every time they behaved inappropriately [mainly Judah] I just imagined his grief and nightmares causing it, like he was reliving some of his most painful memories. That reflection gave me strength, compassion, and perspective not to spank him when that's what I'd naturally want to do. Of course we didn't do this perfectly, but that was our posture and daily commitment for a LONG time. Really, only recently have we started hand slaps or bottom spankings. Eight-plus months into that discipline philosophy, our kids are doing great in every way and listening better than I'd expect for a 3 year old and 18 month old.

HEALING. We have also found that our kids' [again, mainly Judah] acting out was related to grief, trust, safety, or language barriers. It's NOT because they are bad or want to ruin your life! I also affirm the "time-in" method [vs. the "time out"]. One principle I've really grown to appreciate is that we need to actually bring our kids closer when they disobey/act out instead of pushing them away. By pulling them closer, we teach about grace and mercy, not that we don't want them near us unless they are good. After all, this is what God does to us, he brings us closer when we sin. He goes after us when we run away from him. The practice of "time-in" is a reminder of God's discipline of those he lives and is pretty darn transformational for parents, too!

NO "NO'S". We are way more liberal in our use of this word 8+ months into parenting, but we were VERY cautious not to use it in those first months. We wanted our kids to feel like our home was their home so they could have free reign. This is why we simply removed temptations from them. We wanted their bodies, minds, and souls to find REST and YES-es in our home, not to be restricted and confined in their own space. So, instead of saying "no", we did a lot of redirecting or trading one thing for another. Again, it's a LOT of work but ESPECIALLY with a language barrier, this was a great choice in those first few months. Again with the language barrier, our social worker told us to expect 2-3 months for every year until Judah was totally current with normal language development for his age [he was 2.5 years old when we adopted him which meant 4-6 months until he was caught up]. She was right! We saw big communication improvement after 4 months, but at 6 months his little vocab and comprehension took on a new level.

LOVED ALL OVER. I've heard the poetry of multiple parents speaking their undying love for their "chosen child". These words are powerful to their core for any human being, but especially a child who's lost everything and is finding love in your family. These couple statements are my favorites that my friends say to their kids when they discipline their child...

• "Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you. And we're not going anywhere. We love you when you obey and when you don't. "
• "I love you no matter what you do. There's nothing you can do that will make me love you less. And there's nothing you can do that will make me love you more. You're stuck with me and I'm not leaving you."
• "I forgive you. Thank you for saying sorry. I love you buddy."

These practices are easier said than done, but it is possible! We chose the hard way of connecting, bonding, and affection in those first months when the easier way would've been spanking, yelling, and force. But today we are seeing some fruit of our labor as our kids understand their boundaries, lavish us with unsolicited affection, and listen when we call. None of us our perfect, but we are perfectly working it out as a family centered on Love.

Locusts, Omni Hotel, and Redemption

I want to remember everything God says to me. Every date. Every detail. Every lesson. Everything. This past week, God graced me to remember and learn something profoundly transformational.

Three years ago last weekend Brian and I went down to San Diego to spend a weekend together. We planned this getaway with the hopes of celebrating a pregnancy. We scheduled this weekend after our final round of clomid [infertility drugs], trusting that we'd use this time to privately celebrate a positive pregnancy test. Instead, we went to San Diego to grieve. We received a negative pregnancy test. Another one. We had already tried to get pregnant for over a year and had spent the previous 8 months in test after test after treatment after treatment. And we had received disappointment after disappointment.

So, three years ago we packed up our broken hearts and drove down to the Omni Hotel in San Diego to mourn together. Brian remembers me crying a lot. What was supposed to be a weekend of celebration turned into a weekend of heartache.

Somewhere in the midst of my infertility treatment, one of my spiritual gurus, Ed, told Brian and me that he believed Joel 2:25 for us - that God would repay us for the years the locusts [infertility] have eaten [stolen]. Ed told us that this verse translated properly from the Hebrew meant that the God of all time, who knows no time, yet works within our understanding of God would GIVE BACK everything from the years of devastation from what the locusts had stolen. Somehow, in only a way God can, he would restore and make up for lost time. I didn't really believe him but I thought it was a good thing to believe about God.

Fast forward to this week - 3 years later. Brian and I once again packed up our car with suitcases, a diaper bag, strollers, and umpteen bags to head to San Diego on our annual Newsong staff retreat [now reenvisioned as the XEALOT Alliance Retreat]. We also strapped in our 3 year old son and 18 month old daughter.

Literally, we were almost to San Diego when it all hit me. Same weekend. Three years later. Same hotel. Our two beautiful Ethiopians falling asleep in the back seat. Redemption. The craziest part is that our annual staff retreat is never this weekend, we've never stayed at the Omni, and it's been in several other cities over the years, and Brian has never come with me on a staff retreat before. It was like God planned out the specific details of this retreat just for us. Grace poured out!!!

God redeemed time! Little did we know when we were grieving at the Omni the last weekend of August 2008 that a little boy named Abebayehu was 7 weeks old in a remote village in Awassa, Ethiopia. While we grieved. He nursed. While I cried, Judah cried too. While I was too immersed in my own pain, God was working a miracle behind the scenes that was immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine [Ephesians 3:20-21].

It's just like God to l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y give us back those years in the person of Judah Abebayehu. Only God. What the enemy intended to harm us with, God intended for good [Genesis 50]. Something deep shifted in my spirit this week to know - mind and heart - that when we grieve or are confused or in pain or just plain wandering, imagine what God is doing behind the scenes. He is working all things together for good [Romans 8:26-28] and making ALL things new. God doesn't give us his leftovers or hand-me-downs or even just polish the old to make it look new. He gives us brand new gifts because of his great love for us.

Even when we are angry with God or not even paying attention to him, he is graciously forming something beautiful. He is the most exquisite story-teller. Is he not?

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

   Glory to God in the church!
   Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
   Glory down all the generations!
   Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!"