First Mom. Forever Mom.

I think there must be something special between a mother and her son. Or maybe it's a special bond between a parent and their first-born child. Or maybe it's because I missed out on the first 2 1/2 years of his life. Whatever it is, the connection I have with Judah Abebayehu is indescribable.

Last month I had one of "those moments" as an adoptive mama. If you have an adopted child, you know these dreaded moments well. It's a moment where one of the losses that accompanies adoption comes out of no where and strikes you down. It's a moment when you thought everything was finally "normal" in your family and then a memory or reality hits you like lightening and you are forced into another level of grief for your child. After 2+ years of those moments, I've finally accepted "those moments" will happen for the rest of our lives. It's part of the reality of adoption.

I was driving home late from work one night. I hadn't seen the kiddos that day except for a few minutes in the morning, so I was just thinking about their day with daddy. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks and hot tears filled my eyes.

I have mothered Judah for nearly the exact amount of time that his birth mom mothered him. Two years and one month...almost to the day. Finally, I have been Judah's mommy for as long as the woman who birthed him into this world.

Exiting the highway toward our house, tears poured down my face as I once again grieved his birth mother's loss, Judah's trauma, and our lost time with him. But I also grieved for the first time the thought of losing my son. I cannot imagine giving Judah up after caring for, nurturing, and loving this little boy. After feeding him thousands meals, giving him hundreds of baths, brushing his teeth, changing endless diapers and teaching him how to go potty in the toilet, teaching him how to count to 10 and what shapes and colors were, giving him a bazillion kisses and telling him "I love you" a quadrillion times, how could I let him go forever??????? It was an unfathomable feeling. It leveled me to consider - once again - his birth mother's sacrifice.

I met Judah's birth mom. She was young. She was beautiful. I'm quite certain she loved him. I'm sure she thinks of him every day and wonders if he is loved and cared for. She didn't give him up because she didn't love him. She gave him up because she could not keep him.

And therein lies the paradox of adoption. A beautiful life redeemed and restored and given hope, and another side of the story that continues to bear pain.

Ever observant and watchful.

He still loves sitting on my lap and learning.

My son. My boy. His forever mom.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl.

February 9th we celebrated Addise's third birthday. It was a weekend, actually, including a day at Disney (using our expiring annual passes...sob), presents, making strawberry cupcakes with homemade frosting, reading Dr. Seuss' "Happy Birthday to You!" and lots and lots of kisses.

Addise is like none other. Everyone who knows her in real life has stories and facial expressions and flamboyant words describing our daughter. She is more LIFE in her little (?) body than most anyone I've ever met in my entire life. Brian and I often swap stories after we've tucked her into bed at night. Sometimes the stories are merely non-verbals of head shaking, stifled giggles, and utter speechlessness. Brian and I are constantly remarking at her unfair beauty. She may be the most gorgeous little girl I've ever set my eyes on. We love her with intensity and beauty and (at times) exasperation. Perhaps we love her that way because she is all of those things and more.

This was a big year for our girl. She's grown in every way and way too fast at that. If a picture is worth a thousand words, how about a dozen or so? Images to capture her transformation...

The first time we laid eyes on our girl. She was 6 months old. Those eyes. Those lips. Those rolls. Those eyebrows. It's still too much to contain.

Addise was home for 3 weeks before we celebrated her 1st birthday! This was also her first taste of sugar.

Her 2nd Birthday.

It's too bad she doesn't have a personality :)

Learning to be a GREAT big sister. Yes, she's very charming.

Double true! To say she is dramatic is very undramatic. "Only the girls." I savor the moments when it's just us girls together. She still LOVES to snuggle and cuddle with me. Some of my favorite "asks" from Addise are: "Mama, rock you? Mama hold me? Mama I sit on your lap?" Words impede my ability to say how crazy I am about this one... She is the best (and worst!) parts of me and teaches me daily what it's like to live with passion and joy and energy and love and strength and humor and attitude and tenacity and tenderness and persistence and vulnerability and expectation and belief and goodness. Parenting Addise requires our best and we joyfully give it to her.

Did I mention that she's a great big sister!??! Beach sand + a billion curls = no bueno

It felt like we were potty training her ALL of this past year. Finally, she's got it. Mostly. Only during the day; not at night. Victory?

Me: Addise, can mommy take your picture? Addise: CHEESE!

She's a little fish. And kinda loves the camera.

Looking much too grown up.

Dr. Seuss character? Bath times are favorites. Maybe because they're a little more rare these days. Oops.

To say she adores her daddy is an understatement. This picture captures one moment in a series of about 5 minutes where she teased him to kiss him. But instead of kissing him, she kept licking his face. Her giggle is infamous and contagious in our home.

Playing at Disney. One of our favorite things to do as a family!

At her 3 year doctor appointment. She's in the 90% for height and weight. She's 39 inches tall and 37 pounds. Apparently she can also read upside down. Genius child.

She got the baby doll for Christmas and the outfit for her birthday. She's learning to play with her babies and accessorize. :)

There ya have it. Our girl. Grateful God chose her to be ours. I'll close with the promise of hope we gave her when we dedicated her at our church.

Jeremiah 31:17:

"They will come home and sing songs of joy on the heights of Jerusalem. They will be radiant because of the Lord’s good gifts— the abundant crops of grain, new wine, and olive oil, and the healthy flocks and herds. Their life will be like a watered garden, and all their sorrows will be gone."

An Advocate for Orphans!

Do you know this woman? Her name is Irena Sendler. And she is a heroine!

She died on May 12, 2008 at the age of 98 years old in Warsaw, Poland.

During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an ulterior motive.

Irena smuggled Jewish infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried. She also carried a burlap sack in the back of her truck, for larger kids.

Irena kept a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers, of course, wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.

During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids and infants.

Ultimately, she was caught, however, and the Nazi's broke both of her legs and arms and beat her severely.

Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she had smuggled out in a glass jar that she buried under a tree in her back yard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived and tried to reunite the family. Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.

In 2007 Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize. She was not selected. (Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.)