C.S. Lewis

One of my little brother's [He's 6 feet tall, 29 year old brother. My "baby brother" is also nearly 6 feet and is 19 years old. Whatever you might say, I'm the 5'3", 31 year old BIG sister!] favorite philosphers/theologians/authors is C.S. Lewis. He loves him so much that his first born son's namesake is after C.S. Lewis - Lewis Samuel. For good reason. He's incredible. A couple years ago my mom bought me Lewis' A Grief Observed to help me grieve through my infertility. It was healing and validating.

Last night I was reading another book with these 2 C.S. Lewis quotes. Not sure where they're from. I hope they are nourishing and healing to you in you find yourself resonating with them...

"There is nothing we can do with suffering except suffer it."

Many, many times in the grief of the past several years, I heard people say that I should get over it. Move on. Count my blessings. Focus on God's goodness. Forget what's behind. Maybe they didn't say it directly, but it was roundabout. I heard it in their tone or saw it in their eyes. Maybe I just intuitively felt it. But I also intuitively felt what Lewis wrote here. You just gotta suffer through it. Live in it. Feel what I feel. Validate it. And trust that God is moving me from this place to a better, a holier place.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

Even up until this past week when our first Embassy date was postponed, I wondered that exact thing. I sincerely believe that God will give me his best. "So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him." [Matthew 7, italics mine]. I used to sign all my emails "God's Best". I'm willing to go through the pain in order to receive his good gifts.

To the One who was well acquainted with sorrow, help me in my unbelief and trust you even when the pain seems unbearable. Thank you, Jesus, for the good gifts named Judah and Addise you are giving us this month! And thank you for grace through my doubts and sustenance in my greatest pain.

My Highest Dream

"Shattered dreams are never random.

They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.
The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."
~ Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams

²⁰ We put our hope in the Lord.
He is our help and our shield.
²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
²² Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,
for our hope is in you alone.
Psalm 33:20-22, NLT

A Roller Coaster, Yo-Yo, and Blender

Last week after we got the news that our 28th Embassy trip didn't look possible, I had a meltdown [and continued having them for the past week]. Brian sat down on the couch, held my hands, and prayed for Judah and Addise and for us. In his prayer he acknowledged before an all-knowing God that this process has been a full-on roller coaster, yo-yo, and blender all wrapped up into one. The last image of a blender was how I've felt this past week, but it didn't feel "mmmm". Thus the blog and social media silence. My heart's felt broken and though we've had hope that someday Judah and Addise would be in our arms, "someday" was just too ambiguous and painful to ingest. Honestly, I've been in a pretty dark place for the past 7 days.

Until Today! I got up early and immediately checked my email. Nothing. I was on my way to work early this morning and checked my email again - 3 emails from our case manager. WE HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR THE JANUARY 11TH EMBASSY DATE - CLEARED FOR TRAVEL - GREEN LIGHT TO GO GET OUR BABIES!!!!!

We've re-booked our tickets and will be on our way to pick up our babies in 8 days!!!!! Remember my friend that heard God say "Christmas, Christmas, Christmas" as she prayed for us [read that post HERE]? Well, we are leaving on January 7th which is Ethiopia's Christmas. If I'd only known God was speaking in Ethiopian time, it could have saved me buckets of tears! It was truly a gift to have this piece clarified because haven't understood what God's already said with that's currently happening. A little is making sense now...

Regardless, after 22 months we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels goooooooood! We will be home with Judah and Addise Diaz on January 13th. :)

NOTE: Please continue praying for our friends the Mitchell's and Mummert's. They were in our original travel group and have not been cleared to travel yet for the 11th Embassy date. Their hearts LONG for their kiddos like ours do, my heart aches for them as they continue waiting without understanding.